Dwight Howard Is A Clown

BREAKING NEWS: Dwight Howard may be going to the Los Angeles Lakers!  The Lakers are looking for Howard to agree to an extension in order to make this trade happen.

Oh my god!  This is huge news!  Dwight Howard may be switching teams!  Whoopdie FUCKING DOO!!!!!!  Alright, seriously? This may have been the biggest news since Bron Bron ripped Cleveland a new asshole.  It's just, after about rumor number 20, it starts to get a bit stale... and by stale I mean make everyone watching ESPN want to shit a pineapple over hearing one more rumor about "SuperChode".

Alright, let's just look at it from his point of view.  He does kind of have it rough in Orlando.  I mean picture this for one second.  Having to live in tropical Florida, having the city wrapped around your finger, being paid millions of dollars to play a game that you dominate.  I don't understand how this guy makes it by everyday.  Miserable, miserable life.

Alright, this is what money does to people.  This is coming from someone who let's say... doesn't have millions of dollars and leave it at that.  First, I would love to get paid to play basketball.  I'm playing a fucking game and getting paid for it.  That's like paying me to play drinking games (By the way, if this is a real option, I better have emails up the ass about it because I want in).  Second, you are straight out of high school Dwight.  You know what that means?  Probably not dumb shit because you probably aren't the brightest since you don't have an education.  Nothing against those with high school degrees, because you probably still did the work in school.  I would bet my left nut that this guy was handed everything.  These BILLIONAIRES are handing you cash to be really good at jumping and running around with a ball.  You better listen to whatever the fuck your BOSS says.  If he tells you to go out there as a ballerina, spank your ass and dance at half-time YOU DO IT!

In all honesty, this whole fiasco makes Lebron not look as bad.  At least he kept his mouth shut and brought the house down all in a measly hour of "The Decision".  Lebron is starting to look like not a bad guy.

Alright, nevermind fuck both of 'em...

Rondo Ruins Run

Speechless. I understand being in the heat of the moment and the technical foul was detrimental enough, but intentionally bumping the ref? Rondo says his "momentum was to great for him to stop and he tripped." Rondo, give me a second to put on my mud boots to wade through the massive quantities of bullshit that is coming out of your mouth.

The call, in your opinion, was a jump ball and the ref called it a foul. So if I'm understanding this correctly (which I am) you got tossed from a playoff game and possibly future games because it was, best case scenario, a jump ball? You were tossed for the possession arrow? In game 1?

I understand in the late goings of a game the possession arrow is a good thing to have on your side but worth getting tossed over? Apparently Rondo thought it was well worth it. You could see the looks on KG's face as well as Doc's, the look and sighs that just screamed, WE ARE FUCKED.

For being an acclaimed all-star point guard with a plethora of talent, Rondo seems to have missed that crash course on not being a fucking idiot, primarily towards the people who enforce the rules of the game.

What.....The......Fuck

For everyone out there who enjoys a good golf joke here and there, look no further. This very helpful lesson is brought to you by J.C Anderson..... wait, who the hell is that? J.C Anderson was a PGA golfer for 9 years in the 17 years between 1988 and 2005. In those 9 years he played in 72 tournaments, making the cut in only 23 and recording a big ole goose egg in the wins column. To add to his very impressive resume, he adds only 2 top ten finishes and his career best place was 6th. All in all this man made $167,536.11 on the PGA tour in his tenure as a Professional Golfer.

This guy explains the swing perfectly:

Now for everyone out there who had no fucking idea what he was saying, which I'm assuming is about 98% of you, don't feel stupid and take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. I mean what the fuck is he talking about? "If you write this down, it really helps" well thanks buddy, but I don't know how to spell half of those words to begin with. But it seems he stresses the fact that "as long as your number 2 power accumulator doesn't break down you can reach maximum centripetal force with minimal pivotal resistance" 

Again, thanks. I'll be sure to watch and make sure my number two power accumulator doesn't go to shit on me. This is obviously meant to be example of something every encounters on the golf course, and that is golf guy. Jim Rome is famous for creating golf and here is one of my favorite descriptions. 

With that being said, I think we all know at least one golf guy..... "the guy that is wearing so many brand names that NASCAR drivers thinks that golf guy needs to check himself." Jim Rome hit the nail on the head here, "if I want to know how to shoot a 112, then I'll ask"

Shut up and look hot

I was browsing through articles wondering what I was going to present to you readers today and I came across this title "really hot babe in really hot tennis apparel wants to be taken seriously",  I laughed out loud and naturally I clicked on it. I mean does everyone remember high school? Maybe my high school was different, but I remember almost every girl who played tennis was a smoke show, regardless of the fact that we were way up North in Eastern Maine. All I know it the majority of females that play tennis are hot, and they know it. 

This girls name is Maria Stefanopolis (say the name out loud with a lustful voice and you don't even have to see a picture of her to know she's gorgeous) and she is the real thing. A very successful tennis player who was blessed with "Helen of Troy" syndrome which is the ability to captivate an entire room without her even being on the same continent. The article that I read was basically some horn dog lusting over her and covering very little of her skills and mostly focusing on her physical appearance (who can blame him) and even describing her "measurements" (36C-24-36, if you care to know). She said in this interview “I’m interested in pursuing my sport, I don’t want to just be eye candy, I want to be a role model to young people and a real competitor.”

Very noble Maria, but I hate to break it to you, you're just eye candy babe. Everyone watching you (including the line judge) doesn't care if you win or lose but rather what you wear and how much you want to show off from those C cups down to your ankles. 

I've never watched her play tennis but I can only assume she grunts every time she hits the ball, as all women tennis players do, which just adds to her "not being taken seriously." You want to be taken seriously Maria? grab a turtle neck, women's dress pants and a sports coat and go work for an accounting firm. Stop dressing like eye candy and people might start thinking of you as the hot tennis player that doesn't show off her amazing body because she's more focused on her game rather than appearance. It's easy to spot an attention loving whore in a crowd, let alone one playing tennis on international television.

Compromise

All my life I've heard about the inequality of women's athletic events being covered by ESPN and other stations, and surprising, unlike most fights with women, there are real facts to back it up. In 1989 coverage was roughly 5%, in 2009 it dropped to 1.6%. 

Amen.

The simple fact is, women only get coverage when there is a question of whether or not they have a dong swinging between their legs. Exhibit A, Brittney Griner. 

This "girl" has gotten coverage because she has the ability to dunk and her voice is indistinguishable from "fiddy" cent. I'm not embarrassed to say she most likely has a bigger dick than me and hopefully any human being, regardless of athleticism, who is 6'8 could dunk. 

I would like to propose a compromise to all the women out there. We'll get you're ratings up but you have to meet us guys half way. The fact is watching girls sports to most guys is about as entertaining as watching their friend get a colonoscopy, I'm sorry, not trying to be an asshole but its the harsh truth. 

For those of you ladies that don't know, us guys think about sex 30% of the day, so why not incorporate what we think about over a quarter of the day into sports. Well golly gee they already have this wonderful thing call the LFL or the Lingerie Football League. 

Yea some of the girls are beasts that shoot up in an alley with Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and your random gym rats that you see  grunting and strutting around more than actually lifting weights. 

But most of the girls look like they wouldn't mind rushing for a touchdown on a 21 year old slightly out of shape college guy. All I know is if I woke up after a heavy night of drinking to attractive women in lingerie playing their version of arena football, that would sober me up quicker than dunks coffee. I think I can speak for everyone in America saying we'd rather watch that then the Tim Tebow Sports Center variety hour...

Dice-K Gets Sliced and Diced

Everyone who enjoys baseball knows the name, Daisuke Matsuzaka. In the early 2000's everyone wanted him, but the Red Sox ended up grabbing him for one hell of a contract.  First off all can someone tell me where this gyroball is that we have heard so much about? if it's that pitch he throws that is basically like soft toss to the batter he is facing, he can take that shit back to Japan and I'll take Billy Chappell or Ricky Vaughn any day. 

For those of you who don't follow baseball below the major league level, Dice-K made a single A rehab start to make up for the tommy john surgery he had to undergo because he threw a measly 622.2 innings over the last 5 seasons. Simple math translates that down to 124.44 innings per year. He started 77 games while only winning 31 of those (excluding his now seemingly fluke season of 2008 where he went 18-3)

 If P = Pussy then simple math would indicate that Dice-K = P. He was supposed to be a phenomenal pitcher with this great pitch that no one has ever seen before and yet he gives up 2 homeruns, in the first inning, to Wilmington, a single A minor league team that was hitting a mere .210 with 0 homeruns before his appearance on the mound. 

I understand tommy-john is extremely hard to come back from, but for a guy the Red Sox paid 10,333,333 dollars to in 2011 plus ridiculous perks such as his own masseuse and trips to Japan whenever he wants, you think he could handle himself accordingly in the lowest class of professional baseball. I mean if all it takes is a shitty made up pitch and an arm that can go 3-4 innings throwing batting practice sign me up, just pay for my beer in between innings and the cab fare home. Who knows, I may just be worth over 10 million too. 

Seriously ESPN? Tebow again?

Are there really no other sports stories for ESPN to cover? They have “experts” on arguing about if Tim Tebow being used as the punt protector is smart… Who cares?  I never thought Tim Tebow or the Jets could be more over covered or over hyped by the media until that fateful day when Tebow was traded to the Jets… Now the most overrated team in football has the most overrated player in football.  I’m not saying Tebow isn’t a great athlete, he is in factor a physical specimen, and he is arguably the greatest college football player ever, but he is NOT an NFL quarterback.

I never thought I’d ever say I’d want Mark Sanchez as my teams starting quarterback, but (and I’m already washing my mouth with soap for saying this) I would take Sanchez as my starting quarterback every day of the week if Tebow was my other option (Sanchez can at least throw a spiral). 

It’s not all Tebow’s fault; it’s more the media for over hyping him.  I remember watching a Broncos game last season when they went into over-time against the Chargers; The Broncos get lucky and the Chargers miss a 51 yard field goal, then with good field position Tebow goes 0/1 passing, has 2 carries for 16 yards, and then Willis McGahee (The real reason the Broncos won games last year) breaks a 24 yard run to set up a Matt Prater field goal to win the game…. And who got all the credit for a great OT drive after the game? Tim Tebow, not Willis McGahee who had 117 yards in the games (Tebow only threw for 143 yards) , and a clutch 24 yard run to set up the winning field goal. For the season Tebow completed a whopping 46.5% of his passes... outstanding numbers for a starting NFL quarterback right? 

And before you start saying, but he won, let me say this.. Vince Young was a college phenom like Tebow and started his career leading the Titans to an 8-8 season, with a 51.5% completion percentage and does any fan want him starting for their favorite team now? I don’t think so.

Perhaps the most asinine argument related to sports in history took place on ESPN shows when the Broncos were facing the Patriots in the playoffs about which quarterback you would rather have: Tebow or Brady. Are you serious?  I hate the Patriots, but for the first time ever I found my self rooting for them to break every single game scoring record against the Broncos, and for their defense (Which was almost non-existent all season) to make the Broncos offense look like a Pop Warner team. For the most part I was strongly satisfied with the result of that game.  Now this season I will find myself rooting for the Patriots again every time they step on the field against the Jets.

So everyone stop overhyping and over covering Tebow until he actual puts up respectable numbers as an NFL quarterback.

Side Note:

 For the first time ever I heard some of my closest friends, who are diehard Redsox fans cheering Yankees fans when they booed Tim Tebow at Yankee Stadium.. For the first time ever Yankees and Sox fans were united in their hatred for someone and it was completely unrelated to baseball.

P.S.

Rex Ryan needs to shut his fucking mouth and stop guarantying Super Bowls.  After the 3^rd time it gets kind of old.